( I apologise in advance….i couldn’t think of what pictures to use so I just put pics of Taylor Momsen everywhere πŸ˜‰)

It’s a strange thing to wish to die, I don’t mean kill myself, I ‘ve poor health which is getting worse and this week there was a night I was ready for the pain to end and I didn’t care, I just wanted it gone. The thing that made me the saddest was ….there was no one to tell or ask for help. Of course there is all these people who say ” if you ever need anything” but you don’t call them, not because you don’t like em or anything like that …. it’s the fact that they have they ‘re own lives, mortgages, kids, partners and so on….im not going to get these good people out of bed at 4am to do what…..hold my hand, when my only option is hospital. But hospital is a problem, first off I pick up something worse there and I live 60 miles from my hospital and the ambulances won’t take me there because of administration stuff ( welcome to the shitty side of the REP OF IRELAND)….so no I won’t and can’t call someone.

Being alone does not scare me, believe it or not it is possible to be alone and not be lonely. I won’t be having kids because it’s 99.9999% certain I will pass my illness on to a child and I won’t put a child through my life… no one should have to go through what I did. As for women…. most women want kids and I also won’t have someone waste they ‘re life taking care of me…. I been with too many women and I ‘ve loved and won and loved and lost so I think it’s time for a single Porta….but don’t let that make you think I still don’t window shop and dear god there is some beautiful women in the world.

While I was screaming in pain wishing for death ( anyone who tells you  ” I can take the pain” is lying or hasn’t ever experienced pain. You know the kinda people who say this…sitting on high stools in back woods bars giving advice to people who didn’t ask for it…if You think that is you and that offends you….well  fuck you, be offended… what the fuck do you think you can threaten me with…i fear nothing) I found that I loved life, that this pain and sickness is part of the beauty of life and I want to live ever second of it. But it made me think , I ‘ve had my whole life to get used to this but what about the people who just get the want for death in one short sharp shock not because of ill health but because some one trying to put them down. It haunts me, it scares me that we ‘re now a world of super bullies.

As for religion, people as me “How can you be religious with all god has dealt you”…..god didn’t give me this illness and god has been there for me….besides I believe in An old  Christian idea that if you suffer alot in human life…..what awaits you in hell is worse than anything in life because your paying for the reincarnated sins of your soul. Is it fair …. no….but believing in god and loving god should not be easy or fair…. I believe I have to work for Gods love…. I know where I’m going and nothing can save me and I ‘ll go there gladly  with a smile on my face because as I face the darkness i know that I ‘ve lived in the light 

That’s why I’m Porta Gregor and thats why I set up 187. I felt sad because I now know I will die painfully and fucked up but I ‘ve got to help the people who have full lives ahead of them to live , I ‘ve got to help those who need help to see they are worth it and it’s the people who try to put them down that they should feel sorry for because they are the true losers . It’s harder to be bitter than happy.  ” save one life and you save the world” and that is the truth, you have changed that person’s life thus they ‘re world. That’s what I’m about, that’s what 187 is about, we fight to help people because we must. ” who is a man that does not try to make the world better” …..Porta Gregor has to do this it’s in my code of life …. a man without a code is just one of those lunch time hero’s who long for the high stool to talk shit.

Last week made me realise how silly the famous and celebrity people are. Crying because a photographer didn’t show up at the opening of an envelope or every little detail of  they ‘re clothes being they re life. To be a real man or woman you ‘ve got to know it inside and live life so never let those losers be your goal in life to be like……so fuck em, real people are 100% real and hard core. Fuck this monkey shit of social media stars….. I don’t care if you don’t like me  just as long as you hear me out ….just like you should hear everyone out…just not the drunks who have cuts on they re elbows from holding pints….a man who needs pints to get friends is a loser….straight and simple.

Where do I go from here…..well I ‘ve decided that I ‘ll never go back to hospital so let the chips fall where they may …. I want to die at home . I’m going to change the world by fighting for people who can’t do it themselves….. Porta Gregor is going to war, war on the scumbags that hurt people, war against those who look down on others…. Im going to enter the lions den and then dance the funky chicken with the lion… in other words….im going to live life every second of every day….pain or no pain…weakness or no weakness….health or no health….welcome to a 187 world baby

So until tomorrow guys and gals…..get busy living life …..

Love you all guys and gals 

Here’s a woman i think is stunning ( as you ‘ve guessed)….. Taylor Momsen

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